Nicknames

Hello out there,

Ok I know I’ve been MIA, BUT have no fear…this summer brought out the winner of my dating tragedies…

Site meet on: Plentyoffish.com

It’s memorial day weekend and everyone’s equipped with their sexiest bikinis and best jersey shore abs to show off at the lake and have a full day of fun in the blazing sun. I was no exception, except I had a dress on, the world was not ready for me in a bikini. I was invited to go to a bbq with this dude I met online, and his buddies. I agreed, since he was a nice fellow, and I had nothing else to do. My good friend insisted she come also, just in case he was a crazed serial killer who chops girls up and grills them as his summer sport. She’s a good friend.

We carpooled to his place. I drive through his neighborhood that was getting progressively worse by the second. We get to his place, and it was defiantly not a looker, and neither was he, but hey who’s judging? He ends up driving with us and I instantly thought, this will not end well.

We show up to the lake (with many twists and turns due to his terrible memory) and set up for the day. The three of us start talking, and his “wonderful” qualities are revealed. No job (awesome), no education (ITT tech does not count), no goals (fantastic). Somehow, the topic of taxes comes up, and guess what? He doesn’t believe in them! It progresses to the topic of weed. He doesn’t think weed is so bad, not so bad, that he use to sell it at night clubs.  

Fun fact: The cops busted into his house “by accident” and confiscated his weed. Don’t worry though, charges weren’t brought, phew!  At this point I want to hurl myself into the river and hope a strong current whisks me away.

Luckily (or so I thought), he leaves to find his friends. Ten-ish minutes later a group of guys and  gals stroll up. One guy looks around and asks me “hey miss, is this Coop's spot”. Confused I respond, “excuse me?" He says "Nate, is this his spot?" I say, “yes”. Now, I wish I can remember all their names but my memory is stuck on one name, Stomp. Yes, that’s right, his name was Stomp, it was tatted all over his right arm to show us just how proud of his gangster life he really was. Everyone else also had a catchy gangster name, but Stomp's was the best.

At this point Nate, aka Coop, was playing football down at the lake and I was left….alone…hoping I wouldn't become a part of a gang initiation ceremony. Finally, I hear someone say “...this nigga, left his gun in my car last week!” and everyone starts laughing…

Uh excuse me but last I checked, leaving an armed weapon in someone’s car is NOT a laughing matter! I look at my friend, and finally decided I pushed my luck, way to long! I make up a sorry excuse and tell Coop that I had a emergency and my friend and I had to leave...immediately. 

Needless to say we did not end up happily ever after...

Advice: when gangsters roll up on your date, that’s when you immediately, roll out! 

Sunrise Special

Hey everyone, 

Been pretty mellow in my dating life…as in no action at all. lol. BUT I do have a nice message I recieved today for you…

Background: my profile clearly states what age frame of men I want…32 is the highest I’ll go…I also say…”I do not care how experienced you are…do not message me if you’re over 32, otherwise you’ll get a nice response from me back.” meaning, I won’t be nice. lol. 

So I get a message from this 55 year old, white dude. His message title is “I’ll be your exception”. Ok, cool. Already I’m annoyed but I read the message so I can respond accordingly…here is what he said…The parentheses are my inserted thoughts. lol. 

Hey baby girl…(ew, my Dad calls me that)

I read your profile and are very beautiful and I love ambitious women. I also saw that you only talk to men under 32. I’m 55 but I have the stamina of a 30 year old. The little boys around you have nothing on me. I’m a successful business man (who’s probably cheated on his wives and been divorced 6 times) and own many properties across the country. I love younger women because they are always full of life and drive (previous theory confirmed). I hope you message me back so I can treat you like a princess. 

*raises eyebrow* Re-reads… Really. This is just so wrong on sooooo many levels.

First of all….my DAD is younger than you…this is how the conversation with my Dad would go…“so this guy I’m dating already has his AARP card, maybe you guys can get the sunrise special at Cocos together and get to know your future son-in-law” I don’t think that would do over well. 

Second, “…stamina of a 30yr old”…I’m sorry dude but unless you’re an Olympic athlete I highly doubt that…not to mention the thought of anything intimate  with you makes me want to throw up my bodily fluids…and organs, ew.

Third, so these properties you own across the country, I’m assuming you have women stashed away at all of them so your double life doesn’t get revealed? Awesome, at least you think ahead, most cheaters and creepers don’t ;). 

Finally, I’m no princess mo’ fo’, I’m the gosh darn QUEEN and I say “OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!” 

I wanted to send a long winded message but instead I said… “dude, find someone your age, because no one my age, who has class, confidence and self worthy, wants your wrinkly, desperate self. Have a nice life…whats left of it”. 

Oh online dating how you push my buttons!

They even give you a complimentary hat! 

Polygamy & Extreme Make-over

Nothing exciting has happened in my dating world…until this morning when the two characters, I will be telling you about shortly, popped up on my computer screen.

I can’t do the incident justice without quoting the message I recieved…

would you be interested in dating a couple? myself and my woman…she is mixed hispanic/black/white…we are NOT lookn for sex…….we are looking for a good woman to bring into our life for the long haul……a committed poly relationship

Seriously…*raises eybrow*…

First of all…the guy who sent me this message is not attractive AT ALL…and the fact that he’s trying to hoard all these woman for this madness he calls a”non-sex, poly relationship” is sick, plain and simple. 

Second…WTF just happened?! I feel like there should be a disclaimer on weird f*ing messages like that, that say…WARNING: This goes against all western social and political norms…viewer discretion is advised.

ICK….

Right as I am getting the above message…another guy sends me a chat request. He doesn’t have a picture which is already a scary thing…I check out his profile…he’s 32, only has a high school education, and no car….wonderful. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! I accept to at least tell him “thanks for the interest, but I’m not interested and good luck”. Well he goes on about how beautiful I am, how I’m probably out of his league (which means he’s fat, and a total loser), and all this other stuff. Just to confirm my theory…I ask for a picture and here’s what I get….

[Insert image of uglistest dude you've ever met here]

  

…Uhhh seriously….smh…

I’m over dating….apparently I’m so ugly, guys like that think they even have a remote chance with me…excuse me while I go stab myself in the eyes now…okay not so dramatic, but really, I need a drink, double strength ;) 

Root Beer

Happy Thursday! 

Since yesterday’s original story was postponed due to my “farmer” it’s now time to share my date from hell story! Also, this is a long one! 

When? Winter(ish) 2010. 

Site we meet: OkCupid

For the purposes of this story the name of my date will be named “Max”…

Aight, now let’s get started…

We decide that we want to go to Outback Steakhouse. My apt is literally a 10 min walk to the restaurant, so I suggested we walk. Well, he did not like this decision, he was “tired” from work and it was to “cold” for him. Mind you he was wearing a sweatshirt and a beanie… Finally, after a little convincing we trek the harsh 70 degree weather and make our way to Outback. 

We start chatting as we’re looking over menus and he explains how he’s an art major…because it is easy, how much he loves vodka redbull and how many plans he doesn’t have for the future…Winner!

We order food and here is where the date just south even quicker.

He asks the waiter for a rootbeer, the waiter nicely says “I’m sorry sir, we do not have rootbeer” and names off the list of what they do have. Max then asks “well what do you have that tastes like rootbeer”, the waiter, perplexed, looks at him as if he’s nuts (which he is) and says, “Umm sir, I’m not to sure…”. So Max then goes on to ask “well how about you mix Dr. Pepper with Pepsi…would that work?” The waiter shakes his head by now utterly confused and probably thinks it is a joke at this point. Finally, after all that Max orders a Sprite.

Onto his entree…Max wants fries…but he also wants to know what seasoning come on these fries, what cut these fries are and if he can just have them with only salt and pepper. Waiter writes it down, probably trying to refrain himself from taking his pad of paper and giving him paper cuts all over his body. Next, Max wants a burger…now on this burger he wants nothing but a plain hamburger pattie with NO condiments…BUT with 2 pickels. Yes that’s right, only 2 pickles…3 is clearly entirely to many, maybe the acidity is bad for his complexion? 

After some awkward small talk, including accusing me of checking out and flirting with our waiter, our food comes. When the waiter asks “anything else I can get you”, Max responses with “yea, can I get some mustard?”, after he made a big stink about wanting NO condiments on his burger. OK  fine, whatever. Then he opens up his burger and low and behold…there are 3 pickles on his burger…now a normal mentally stable person would just take it off and disregard it, nope not Max. He freaks out, and I mean he complains to the waiter, clearly upset that more than 2 pickles are consuming his burger pattie. The waiter apologizes and even offers to have another one made, with attitude Max says “no, whatever, its fine” and waves him off. 

Dinner progresses, I get so annoyed to the point where I’m people watching around the room hoping to find someone who is in a more awkward position as I am. He interupts my gazes when he asks “Hey I finished my soda, can I have some of yours?”

Side Note: WHO DOES THAT?! We’re at a restaurant, you get free refills! No I don’t want your grungy lips on anything of mine!!  

At  this point I respond with “sure you can have some, but please don’t give it back” and he happily takes my soda…BUT not without saying that my cherry Pepsi tastes to much like cherry. Bah, whatever…

The bill FINALLY comes (I already planned on paying for my own meal), and he takes the bill, looks at it, grabs a menu, does the calculations for what it “should be” and says to me “man you’re an expensive date”. At this point I’m so irritated and annoyed I say “Excuse me?”. Noticing my mood he comes back with “well I’ll pay for it, but I was just saying”. I respond with “can you please just pay, I want to go home”. So he does pay, however, I notice that the bill was around 45 dollars, and he only put down enough to cover MAYBE a 2 dollar tip…

When we leave I feel so bad I turn around (making an excuse that I have to use the restroom) and find our waiter and hand him $20 bucks. I couldn’t let my piece of trash date, ruin his night too!!

Needless to say I never spoke to him again after that night…

Farming

Hello Everyone!! 

Last night I was gearing up to give you my date from hell story, however, this morning I was met with a better story for the day. I ended up laughing all the way back to my apartment from school. Anyways, here it goes…

I have been talking to a guy for a couple days now, and it was going well. He was attractive, intelligent, was able to hold a conversation, respectful and just seemed like a great guy. Finally, yesterday afternoon we exchange numbers and he says he will call me a little after midnight, (I’m a night owl). Well midnight rolls around and nothing, 1am comes and goes, finally at 1:30 when I am done with homework I go to sleep. I wake up at 7am for school and I have a text message from him sent at 5:34am saying: “Hey, I’m so sorry I didn’t call I was tied up with work, I’ll call you later today”. 

Side Note: While this is probably a little bit my fault, before this conversation I never asked him what he does for a living. 

I forgive him, things happen. Then since I don’t even know what he does for a living, its time to ask. So I do and the conversation became progressively worse…

Me: “Hey what do you do for a living, I never caught that”

Him: “Oh sry, I never told you, I’m a farmer” 

Side Note:  The location he said he ‘farmed’ at was no where near farmland…there are only plots of shopping centers, restaurants, fast food, and residential neighborhoods where the only thing that grows are people’s appetites and the cash in cash registers. 

Me: “So what do you ‘farm’” *while I’m slowing beginning to realize what branch of agriculture he does*

Him: “Lol”

Me: “So just spill it, you grow weed, right?”

Him: “Well yea, is that going to be a problem?”

Me:  ”Uh yea, that’s a huge problem! You know what I want to do for living!” 

Side Note:  I want to work for FBI. 

Him: “Sorry, I guess we can’t talk anymore huh?”

Me: “Sorry, but no, but good luck in life”

~~

Now excuse me if I go off in a rant, but seriously fellas how about you READ what is on a woman’s profile BEFORE you make a conscious decision to message her…A woman who wants to work for the United States federal government, will probably want nothing to do with you when she find out you’re a “farmer”. My next point… “Farmer”, is that what you tell your parents? You’re an insult to legitimate farmers in America…./end rant.

Tip of the day: Ask the first day what a man does for a living, you don’t want to get caught up with a “farmer”. DEA could quickly ruin that relationship ;) 

FIRST!

Hello Everyone! 

Let me start off by saying that my intentions are not to bash on any of the dating websites. They have good intentions, they come up with great results, sometimes, and clearly their success of picking into our pockets won’t slow down anytime soon either. 

Now onto business…

You wonderful single ladies have probably gone through this when you signed up on your first dating website. You sat down at your computer, proud that you finally got the guts to select a username for your new found profile. Preparing yourself to spill out your heart in a small box with bullet points thinking “OK, how do I go about sounding fun, laid back, classy and intelligent without sounding like a complete bitch?”. THEN desperately scanning your brain thinking “I don’t have any hobbies! I like food? Oh I know, I love music! Yea that’s good!.” Finally, the most daunting task of selecting a picture. This is probably the most nerve wracking process…as you thumb through pictures from parties, dinners, vacations, etc., while simultaneously thinking which diet/exercise program to start (j/k), you finally pick one! You click save and think “OMG, I probably sound so lame!”. Well, OK maybe it didn’t go quite like that but you catch my drift.

From that click on, you’re now a part of online dating network, where I like to say that conventional rules of dating do not apply to the internet and where the single (and sometimes not so single) come to “hang out” on each other’s profile looking for that four letter word…l-o-v-e. 

This is where I close for the day. Stay tuned next time when I share my date from hell. Till then, HAPPY HUNTING!