Pizza Face

Morning!

Let me start off this short post with a quick background on my personal preference in men...at least physically. I am a mixed, half black & white woman. I only date white men. Yes, yes make all the judgments and comments you want, I've gotten it all.

Now, I always get the question from men, "Why do you only date white guys?" and my standard response is something along the lines of, "The same reason you like a particular kind of pizza over another...you just do".

So I get a message this morning asking the "Why do you only date white guys?", I send my standard response...and this is what he tells me...

 "Hope you like pepperoni on your white men! I have lots of acne...lol. jk."

Yea...that's not cute. I responded with "lol". You know the universal response that means 'I have no idea what to say right now'? ...Awkward! 

Pet Peeves

I've been at this online dating game for...uh too long. Over the years I've seen the same general things come up that drive me bonkers (yea, that's right I just dropped that word). Here are my top 4 online dating message fails...

1. Grammar


You know when a status/tweet is riddled with grammatical errors that would make any educated soul cringe in frustration? Yea well, it's even more annoying when you get a message from a potential mate and he just can't seem to get a hold of the English language. Sometimes I've thought "....well maybe English is his 2nd language?". Now, I am not saying I have flawless grammar. My grammar Nazi ex-boyfriend can attest to that. BUT, it's a real turn off when someone doesn't know the difference between 'their/there/they're', or spells 'boring' as 'boaring'...yes that happened. 


2. One Word Messages 


This drives me INSANE! Especially, when it is the first message from someone. How am I suppose to engage in a conversation when they only say "Hi". It's like those awkward few seconds when you're stuck in an elevator with someone. You know those situations where you awkwardly smile at the person and say "Hi" as if that's the socially acceptable thing to do? Yea...awkward. That's how I feel. 
You know what though?  They were probably browsing around and were swept away by my stellar smile and became speechless (lol). GAH! At least come up with a clever pick up line, maybe something like...
"Do you have any Gallifreyan in you? No? Do you want some?"--Eh, eh, Doctor Who? Anyone, anyone? Ok fine..moving on...


3. Weed/Alcohol/Gangster References 


Really? Some of these fellas really think the way to a woman's heart is through illegal activity & substances. Well shit, when did I miss that memo? A couple weeks ago I had a guy message me (who btw, also successfully completed the first two pet peeves) who's default image was his "perscription" weed bottle, with his wonderfully colored bong. The next image was his can of Four Locos and the last one? I'm pretty sure he was faded with his friends. Also, their profile only says something along the lines of "YOLO". So apparently they're living their life to the fullest as they slowly (yet surely) kill off all their brain cells. Yea no, I'm good on that one. Thanks for the message though. 
(Fun fact: I just learned that YOLO means 'you only live once'. I think that I need to accept that once you're into your mid-twenties you start to fall behind on the cool lingo of the times.)


And finally...


4. Copy & Paste.


Thank you computer engineering geniuses who came up with that one. You made this world so much better with just the click of the control (or command) button. However, you also made a new age of lazy ass non-creative bums. Yes boys, we can tell when you copy and pasted (is that a word?) that message over 100 times to every cute woman you found on the website. I especially love when I get the same copy & paste message from a guy multiple times. My sister called someone out on their mishap yesterday, he was quite taken a back when she pointed it out. He was embarrassed, she laughed and blocked him. HA. 
_________


Do you agree with these? Do you have any stories or pet peeves that drive you up the wall and lose hope in humanity for a split second? LET ME KNOW! <3

Joker?

Hello everyone,

Since I am newly single, I figured I should start up the online dating profile again to start laughing at the pool of fish out there and give you some new reading material.

I'm getting flooded with messages. Only 10% of these messages are even remotely attractive and I would even consider dating. 30% need to just invest their time and effort into a hooker to take care of their sexual needs. The remaining 60% are hideous. Here is a sample of what I get most of the time...










This gentlemen (Joker? Gangster in disguise?) sent me a message this morning and it simply said
"your yummy".

I was just  annoyed, for lack of better words. He doesn't even have the decency to use proper grammar, capitalization OR punctuation! The nerve!

More to come soon...I hope ;)

Big Brother.

Hello everyone,

I was talking to my sister today and we were reminiscing on our best online dating stories. We came to the conclusion that we need to make our own online dating website. So far, we only have two features planned:

1. Site name to be determined, but our introduction will say something like:                                             

            --"Yes, we screen your messages, we admit this is a bit big brother-ish,  but every female deserves a     

                a big brother" 

    2.  Block: Ladies, are you tired of the messages that go something like this...

--"Hey baby, hru. wyn?" (Which I found out later, translates to "How are you? What's your number?)

--"Yo ma, u so sexxxxiiiiiii!!!!!!"

--"Hey sexy, you know all you want to do is f**k me" (yes, I have received this message before), 

          Or think of any other variation of rude, inappropriate, and demeaning messages you have received in          
          the past from boys.

         We're sick of these messages too. So our block option would include a message sent to the
         douchebag that will say:

"You have been blocked from sending any more messages to women. You have proven to be a piece of shit, thanks for playing!" 

That is all for now. Any other features you would want to include?Anything you've always wanted to change about a dating website after coming to terms that there may not be any decent men left in the world (for the record, there are, trust me...)? 

LET ME KNOW! =) 

Till next time, happy hunting! 

Twenty Bucks

For the record, I have discontinued all online dating, I was sick and tired of scum. However,I do like to dabble into my friend's dating lives.

This next post comes from a nice fellow who messaged my sister, on Plentyoffish.com. Here is the message:

"So, obviously you passed the aesthetics test or shallow men (such as myself) would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my should and claimed that - without a doubt - your profile looked to have been written by a guy since its just too perfect, minus the incompletion. He claimed that any account with so little information is a dead giveaway. I came to your defense, of course, but now we've got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you're real or not. So I wonder, just between us, am I about to lose $20??"

I took matters into my own hands and responded:

"Thanks for “coming” to my defense but I do not need anything from someone who is a self proclaimed, generic; jersey shore douche bag, who likely has the personality of a goldfish and only brings in shallow whores that probably give you herpes by the end of the night. So how about you and your pathetic side kick do yourselves a favor and jerk each other off? That way you won’t lose a dime. Clearly, you’re looking for a man to rock your world anyways, since you are too blind to notice real women when it is, literally, in front of your face." 

Oh the beauties of online dating :)

Happy hunting!

Online Dating is like an unexpected and very long game of Monopoly.

Nicknames

Hello out there,

Ok I know I’ve been MIA, BUT have no fear…this summer brought out the winner of my dating tragedies…

Site meet on: Plentyoffish.com

It’s memorial day weekend and everyone’s equipped with their sexiest bikinis and best jersey shore abs to show off at the lake and have a full day of fun in the blazing sun. I was no exception, except I had a dress on, the world was not ready for me in a bikini. I was invited to go to a bbq with this dude I met online, and his buddies. I agreed, since he was a nice fellow, and I had nothing else to do. My good friend insisted she come also, just in case he was a crazed serial killer who chops girls up and grills them as his summer sport. She’s a good friend.

We carpooled to his place. I drive through his neighborhood that was getting progressively worse by the second. We get to his place, and it was defiantly not a looker, and neither was he, but hey who’s judging? He ends up driving with us and I instantly thought, this will not end well.

We show up to the lake (with many twists and turns due to his terrible memory) and set up for the day. The three of us start talking, and his “wonderful” qualities are revealed. No job (awesome), no education (ITT tech does not count), no goals (fantastic). Somehow, the topic of taxes comes up, and guess what? He doesn’t believe in them! It progresses to the topic of weed. He doesn’t think weed is so bad, not so bad, that he use to sell it at night clubs.  

Fun fact: The cops busted into his house “by accident” and confiscated his weed. Don’t worry though, charges weren’t brought, phew!  At this point I want to hurl myself into the river and hope a strong current whisks me away.

Luckily (or so I thought), he leaves to find his friends. Ten-ish minutes later a group of guys and  gals stroll up. One guy looks around and asks me “hey miss, is this Coop's spot”. Confused I respond, “excuse me?" He says "Nate, is this his spot?" I say, “yes”. Now, I wish I can remember all their names but my memory is stuck on one name, Stomp. Yes, that’s right, his name was Stomp, it was tatted all over his right arm to show us just how proud of his gangster life he really was. Everyone else also had a catchy gangster name, but Stomp's was the best.

At this point Nate, aka Coop, was playing football down at the lake and I was left….alone…hoping I wouldn't become a part of a gang initiation ceremony. Finally, I hear someone say “...this nigga, left his gun in my car last week!” and everyone starts laughing…

Uh excuse me but last I checked, leaving an armed weapon in someone’s car is NOT a laughing matter! I look at my friend, and finally decided I pushed my luck, way to long! I make up a sorry excuse and tell Coop that I had a emergency and my friend and I had to leave...immediately. 

Needless to say we did not end up happily ever after...

Advice: when gangsters roll up on your date, that’s when you immediately, roll out! 

Sunrise Special

Hey everyone, 

Been pretty mellow in my dating life…as in no action at all. lol. BUT I do have a nice message I recieved today for you…

Background: my profile clearly states what age frame of men I want…32 is the highest I’ll go…I also say…”I do not care how experienced you are…do not message me if you’re over 32, otherwise you’ll get a nice response from me back.” meaning, I won’t be nice. lol. 

So I get a message from this 55 year old, white dude. His message title is “I’ll be your exception”. Ok, cool. Already I’m annoyed but I read the message so I can respond accordingly…here is what he said…The parentheses are my inserted thoughts. lol. 

Hey baby girl…(ew, my Dad calls me that)

I read your profile and are very beautiful and I love ambitious women. I also saw that you only talk to men under 32. I’m 55 but I have the stamina of a 30 year old. The little boys around you have nothing on me. I’m a successful business man (who’s probably cheated on his wives and been divorced 6 times) and own many properties across the country. I love younger women because they are always full of life and drive (previous theory confirmed). I hope you message me back so I can treat you like a princess. 

*raises eyebrow* Re-reads… Really. This is just so wrong on sooooo many levels.

First of all….my DAD is younger than you…this is how the conversation with my Dad would go…“so this guy I’m dating already has his AARP card, maybe you guys can get the sunrise special at Cocos together and get to know your future son-in-law” I don’t think that would do over well. 

Second, “…stamina of a 30yr old”…I’m sorry dude but unless you’re an Olympic athlete I highly doubt that…not to mention the thought of anything intimate  with you makes me want to throw up my bodily fluids…and organs, ew.

Third, so these properties you own across the country, I’m assuming you have women stashed away at all of them so your double life doesn’t get revealed? Awesome, at least you think ahead, most cheaters and creepers don’t ;). 

Finally, I’m no princess mo’ fo’, I’m the gosh darn QUEEN and I say “OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!” 

I wanted to send a long winded message but instead I said… “dude, find someone your age, because no one my age, who has class, confidence and self worthy, wants your wrinkly, desperate self. Have a nice life…whats left of it”. 

Oh online dating how you push my buttons!

They even give you a complimentary hat!